Save Earth
Things You Can Do to Save the Earth (The author wishes to thank his wife for suggesting he "get up and do something" to save the earth. This book is dedicated to her.)
1. TURN OFF THE LIGHTS. Even if you're only going out of the room for a few minutes. Those kilowatts add up. (My wife groans when I say it, but, "It makes cents—with a c.") 2. UNPLUG APPLIANCES WHEN NOT IN USE. Some of them, with their complicated timers and instant start-up features, constantly consume small amounts of electricity. ("Even the TV?" my wife asks. "Good thinking," I tell her.) 3. SEPARATE YOUR GARBAGE. At our house we have separate garbage cans for glass, paper, plastic, aluminum, wood, organic matter, natural fabrics, synthetic fabrics, and rubber. (We split the work—my wife does the separating, I drop everything off at the recycling center.) 4. USE LESS WATER. We have two bricks in our toilet tank. But there's a much simpler way to save water: Don't flush every time! ("Don't take the sports section in there with you!" is my wife's tip. A sense of humor is so important.) 5. DON'T MOW THE LAWN. Let it grow. Naturally. Like a meadow. ("Like a dump!" jokes my wife.) 6. DON'T SHAVE AS OFTEN. I shave once a week. ("If it's good enough for Don Johnson," I quip. "That was passé years ago," my wife informs me.) 7. DRIVE SLOWER. I try to maintain a nice, steady 40 miles per hour, the legal minimum on most highways. Also, I roll up the windows. It reduces wind resistance -- and noise. ("You can't hear those horns?" my wife asks, incredulous.) 8. SHOP WITH A RE-USABLE SHOPPING BAG. And, if you can, walk to the store. ("It'll do wonders for your figure," I mention casually to the missus.) 9. BOYCOTT! Boycott polluters, or anyone who sells any product that can cause pollution, or any product that might contain an ingredient that can cause pollution. ("What does that leave?" my wife asks. "Just the good stuff," I reply.) 10. DO YOUR LAUNDRY BY HAND. It may be drudgery of the lowest order to have to hand-launder your clothes and hang them on a clothesline, but it saves water and energy. ("Whistle while you work," I kid my wife. "Hitler is a jerk," she continues. I'd forgotten that verse!) 11. TURN DOWN THE HEAT. Especially the water heater. ("They take cold showers in Sweden," I like to hint. "Go to Sweden!"—my wife.) 12. TAKE FEWER SHOWERS. But don't share them, even if it's been touted, albeit humorously, in other "x-number-of-simple-things-you-can-do-to-save-the-earth" books. Why? It uses more water. Figure it out for yourself. Better would be to take a bath in "recycled" bath water. Best: An occasional sponge bath. ("No, I'm not kidding," I tell the wife.) 13. REPLACE METAL DOORKNOBS. During the winter, when it's very dry, touch a metal doorknob and you get a little shock from the static electricity. That's wasted electricity, I figure. We've replaced all our metal doorknobs with ones made of non-conducting rubber, wood or glass. ("You've got a screw loose," my wife points out. And she's right!) 14. GO SOLAR. For a small investment of about ten thousand dollars you can convert your house to solar energy. It'll pay for itself in twenty years, I estimate. ("What next?" my wife wonders, as we all do.) 15. MOUNT A WINDMILL ON YOUR ROOF. It's cheap—about eight hundred dollars—and easy to install. ("A little more to the right," I yell up to her.) |
16. MAKE YOUR OWN HONEY.
In addition to producing delicious honey, our beehive is a real conversation starter. ("We have to talk," my wife says. See?) 17. WORK AT HOME. Recently, I quit my job of twenty years to become a full-time writer. I write at home, on a computer. I'm not using up any gasoline or motor oil, I'm not wearing out any clothing or shoes. To put it simply: I'm not a drain on the environment. ("You don't move," my wife observes, exaggerating slightly.) 18. BOARD UP THE WINDOWS. Windows are nice, but they either let in too much heat, or let out too much, or vice versa. ("This is better than mini-blinds!" I shout to the wife, who can barely hear me over her own hammering.) 19. GET RID OF THE TELEPHONE. Think you can't live without a telephone? Think again. We've done fine. ("Who would call us?" my wife rationalizes.) 20. GET RID OF THE BED. Many leading chiropractors say that sleeping on the floor, with no mattress or cushion, is the best way to sleep. ("We certainly haven't needed a bed much lately," my wife confides to a mutual friend.) 21. GET OUT AND ORGANIZE. At my wife's suggestion, I got out of the house and into the community—to organize. Now I work with a diverse group of community activists and we meet four times a week—at our house. ("Who are these people?" my wife asks. "They are the people," I tell her proudly.) 22. BAN ALL CHLOROFLUOROCARBONS. Not just spray cans, but the refrigerator and the air conditioner. Get rid of them! We now have ice delivered to our house every day. ("You're crazy!" my wife shouts from the kitchen. "So was Van Gogh!" I shout back.) 23. TREAT WOUNDS NATURALLY. If you're injured, cut on the head, above the eyebrow—from a sharp piece of ice, let's say—treat it naturally. Salt and lemon juice is the combination my wife favors. ("I want a divorce," she says, pouring salt on my wound. "Ouch!" I say.) 24. KNOW THE LAW. And know a good lawyer. (My wife does.) 25. WHEN YOU MOVE, BE A GOOD NEIGHBOR. Having recently relocated to a smaller environment—an apartment—I can empathize with anyone who has had to go through a "moving experience" as I call it. Remember, along with a new habitat come new co-inhabitants. Get to know them. They are your neighbors and, as simplistic as this sounds, they are the keys to your survival. (When I explain this simplistic theory to one of my new neighbors, she's fascinated. Maybe the beard works!) 26. CARPOOL.
At my new part-time job I carpool with a couple of the ladies from the office. We're saving gas, money, and we're getting to know each other better. ("He used to have a fear of intimacy," my wife tells the judge. On the advice of Barry, my lawyer, I can say nothing.) 27. MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. I know, I know. But, if I could just use one earth-saving tip to draw your attention to the beautiful and cosmic experience of making love with a truly giving and understanding sexual partner. (Take that, you lying, blood-sucking witch!) 28. SHARE YOUR SHOWERS. I've done a complete one-eighty on this one. Use a kitchen timer. (Or Ravel's Bolero!) 29. WOMEN! Or should I say, women judges! (This just in: She gets the car, the house—everything except the profits from this book, Dear Reader.) 30. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. When someone (especially someone much younger and less experienced than yourself that you only met two weeks ago) tells you that one person can't make a difference—that no matter how much shouting and yelling and "whining and complaining" one person does nothing will change, that "you're too old to be acting that way," that "you should settle down and focus on one thing and do that well"—when someone lays that trip on you, it's time to split. ("I can make a difference!" I tell her, gathering my things.) |